Laughter Is Great Medicine for Marriage!

Marriage Chuckle: All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Marriage Chuckle: Sock it to Me

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

Submitted by Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California

Marriage Chuckle: When Siri Slips

After I-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

Marriage Chuckle: Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

Marriage Chuckle: The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Bonnie McFarlane

Marriage Chuckle: A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

Marriage Chuckle: Always There For Me

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck…..”

Author Unknown

Marriage Chuckle:  

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage Chuckle: The Assertive Husband

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband takes the doctor’s advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I’m going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who’s going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?”

His wife says calmly,

“The undertaker?”

Marriage Chuckle:

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Marriage Chuckle:  Swatting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh! Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”!

He responded, “3 were on the remote, 2 were on the phone.”

Marriage Chuckle: How to Install LOVE

Customer Service (CS) Rep. : Yes, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART maa’m?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep. : What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART’s in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep. : What does the message say?

Customer: It says ‘ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.’ What does that mean?

CS Rep. : Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to ‘LOVE’ your own machine before it can ‘LOVE’ others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called ‘SELF-ACCEPTANCE’? Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep. : Excellent. You’re getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep. : You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the ‘MYHEART’ directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go. Customer: Yes?

CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to your mate everyday, every chance you get. Your mate will in turn some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what’s your name?

CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch…

Author Unknown

Marriage Chuckle: 

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Anonymous

Marriage Chuckle: Loving Husband

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, hugged her, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, ‘This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!’

Marriage Chuckle:  

A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

Anonymous

Marriage Chuckle: Unwise Husband Tells Why Men Are  Seldom Depressed…

• MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE —
• WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM SUCH SIMPLE CREATURES?
• YOUR LAST NAME STAYS PUT.
• THE GARAGE IS ALL YOURS.
• WEDDING PLANS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
• CHOCOLATE IS JUST ANOTHER SNACK…
• YOU CAN NEVER BE PREGNANT.
• YOU CAN WEAR A WHITE T-SHIRT TO A WATER PARK.
• YOU CAN WEAR NO SHIRT TO A WATER PARK.
• CAR MECHANICS TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
• THE WORLD IS YOUR URINAL.
• YOU NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE TO ANOTHER GAS STATION RESTROOM BECAUSE THIS ONE IS JUST TOO ICKY.
• YOU DON’T HAVE TO STOP AND THINK OF WHICH WAY TO TURN A NUT ON A BOLT.
• WRINKLES ADD CHARACTER.
• WEDDING DRESS $5000. TUX RENTAL-$100.
• PEOPLE NEVER STARE AT YOUR CHEST WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO THEM.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• ONE MOOD ALL THE TIME.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• YOU KNOW STUFF ABOUT TANKS.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• YOU CAN OPEN ALL YOUR OWN JARS.
• IF SOMEONE FORGETS TO INVITE YOU, HE OR SHE CAN STILL BE YOUR FRIEND…
• YOUR UNDERWEAR ARE $8.95 FOR A THREE-PACK….
• THREE PAIRS OF SHOES ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH….
• Everything on your face stays its original color…. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades…. YOU ONLY HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR FACE AND NECK. YOU CAN PLAY WITH TOYS ALL YOUR LIFE…One wallet and one pair of shoes…… one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look….
• YOU CAN ‘DO’ YOUR NAILS WITH A POCKET KNIFE… You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache…. YOU CAN DO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR 25 RELATIVES ON DECEMBER 24 IN 25 MINUTES…
• NICKNAMES:  IF LAURA, KATE AND SARAH GO OUT FOR LUNCH, THEY WILL CALL EACH OTHER LAURA, KATE AND SARAH. IF MIKE, DAVE AND JOHN GO OUT, THEY WILL AFFECTIONATELY REFER TO EACH OTHER AS FAT BOY, BUBBA AND WILDMAN.
• EATING OUT: WHEN THE BILL ARRIVES, MIKE, DAVE AND JOHN WILL EACH THROW IN $20, EVEN THOUGH IT’S ONLY FOR $32.50. NONE OF THEM WILL HAVE ANYTHING SMALLER AND NONE WILL ACTUALLY ADMIT THEY WANT CHANGE BACK. WHEN THE GIRLS GET THEIR BILL, OUTCOME THE POCKET CALCULATORS…YEP!!!
• MONEY:  A MAN WILL PAY $2 FOR A $1 ITEM HE NEEDS. A WOMAN WILL PAY $1 FOR A $2 ITEM THAT SHE DOESN’T NEED BUT IT’S ON SALE.
• BATHROOMS:  A MAN HAS SEVEN ITEMS IN HIS BATHROOM: TOOTHBRUSH AND TOOTHPASTE, SHAVING CREAM AND RAZOR, DEODORANT, A BAR OF SOAP, AND A TOWEL. THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF ITEMS IN THE TYPICAL WOMAN’S BATHROOM IS 337.  A MAN WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY MORE THAN 12 OF THESE ITEMS.
• ARGUMENTS: A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD  IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT.
• FUTURE: A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND. A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.
• MARRIAGE:  A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE- BUT HE DOESN’T.  A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING THAT SHE WON’T CHANGE- BUT SHE DOES.
• DRESSING UP: A WOMAN WILL DRESS UP TO GO SHOPPING, WATER THE PLANTS, EMPTY THE TRASH, ANSWER THE PHONE, READ A BOOK, AND GET THE MAIL. A MAN WILL DRESS UP FOR WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS.
• NATURAL:  MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED. WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE DURING THE NIGHT.
• OFFSPRING- CHILDREN: A WOMAN KNOWS ALL ABOUT HER CHILDREN. SHE KNOWS ABOUT DENTIST APPOINTMENTS AND ROMANCES, BEST FRIENDS, FAVORITE FOODS, SECRET FEARS AND HOPES AND DREAMS. A MAN IS VAGUELY AWARE OF SOME SHORT PEOPLE LIVING IN THE HOUSE.
• THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A MARRIED MAN CAN FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE’S NO USE IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING!

Anonymous

Marriage Chuckle: How to Motivate Husbands

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

Ann Bancroft

Marriage Chuckle: Mis-communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, ‘What are the grounds for your divorce?’

She replied, ‘About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.’

‘No,’ he said, ‘I mean what is the foundation of this case?’

‘It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,’ she responded.

‘I mean,’ he continued, ‘What are your relations like?’

‘I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.’

He said, ‘Do you have a real grudge?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.’

‘Please,’ he tried again, ‘is there any infidelity in your marriage?’

‘Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.’

‘Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?’

‘Yes,’ she responded, ‘about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.’

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ‘Lady, why do you want a divorce?’

‘Oh, I don’t want a divorce,’ she replied. ‘I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does.

He said he can’t communicate with me!!’

Marriage Chuckle: Don’t Stay Angry

Sue and Pete have an agreement… they never go to sleep angry with each other. They’ve been awake now for nearly six months.
Author: Unknown

David, a young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, ‘If you wish to save your marriage, David, you’d better be a little boulder.’

Anonymous

Marriage Chuckle: An Insulted Wife

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

Marriage Chuckle:  Who’s Wearing the Pants?  

A man died and went up to heaven. Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.” After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man. After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry. “Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.” “I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”