Why Marriages Fail: Invalidation (Part 2)
by Roy Milam
Why do marriages fail? While the answers to that question are many and often complex, there is a growing body of research suggesting that there are four negative risk factors- four negative behavior patterns that create barriers in a marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure. In one key studiy, researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, starting before they were married, and were able to differentiate those couples who do well from those who do not, with up to 91% accuracy.*
My experience of working with thousands of couples over the past seventeen years is definitely congruent with these findings. Many of the struggling marriages I've worked with have exhibited one or more of these negative behavior patterns. Absolutely crucial, I believe, to the success of any marriage is for couples to minimize the occurrence these four negative behavior patterns from their relationships. In a previous article, we looked at the first of these four patterns- Escalation, and suggested practical ways to overcome it. (Click here for the article about Escalation).
Now let's look at the second risk factor that creates barriers to intimacy in marriage and increases a couple's chances for marital failure: Invalidation. It's one of the most serious communication mistakes spouses can make in their marriage, in how they respond to each other. Invalidation is a pattern in which one (or both) spouse(s) either directly, or indirectly puts down, or questions the feelings of the other. This may be done by denying, minimizing, ridiculing, ignoring, or judging the other's feelings or perceptions. Regardless of the means, the effect is clear: the other person's feelings are judged as "unimportant" or "wrong." Invalidation can take many forms. One person expresses their perceptions and or feelings, and the other responds like this:
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"I'm upset about you being so late to pick me up."
"Oh chill out, there's nothing to get all upset about."
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"My dog died and I feel very upset about it."
"It's just an animal, get over it!"
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"I don't like it when you tease me like that."
"I'm only kidding. You need thicker skin."
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Or invalidation might resemble remarks like these: "You're overreacting." "That's nothing to cry about." "You're upset for no reason." "You need to buck up and stop being a drama queen." "Don't worry." "Don't be upset." "Stop complaining." "Don't be so sensitive." "Get over it," etc, etc.
Sometimes invalidation can be overt, such as when one partner (or both) berates or belittles the other person's feelings. An overt, caustic remark may even convey a sense of contempt of one partner for another. Sarcastic phrases like "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you" or "I forgot how lucky I am to be married to you" can cut like a knife. Invalidation hurts and can be highly toxic to your relationship. Research shows that a pattern of invalidation is an accurate predictor of future problems and divorce.
Invalidation can also be more subtle. It may involve an argument where one partner may merely be ignoring or minimizing the other partner's feelings. The message conveyed is that your feelings don't matter. A husband may put his wife down because she is more emotional or because she is more easily hurt by comments.
A wife may invalidate a husband's desire to succeed in his career, saying that it really doesn't matter if he gets promoted to a manager position . Or a husband may invalidate a wife's fears about the children's safety. Ultimately the spouse receiving these comments feels frustrated, unheard, angry and resentful, and begins to share less and less until eventually the intimate level of sharing evaporates. When this happens, closeness and intimacy is lost.
Sometimes invalidation may be nothing more than trite cliches like "It's not so bad" or "Just trust in the Lord." While these statements may be well meant, they invalidate the pain or concern of the other partner. They make the other partner feel like their fears, upsets, or frustrations are invalid or inappropriate. The bottom line is, invalidation creates barriers to intimacy in a marriage. It's what Solomon was referring to in Proverbs 25:20 when he said, "Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound." When our spouse is hurting, we need to find words of acknowledgement and comfort that do not invalidate his or her pain or concerns. Romans 12:15 admonishes us to, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."
Validation is an act of caring that communicates respect, and builds love and intimacy. In my opinion, and I think most all marriage experts would agree, that validating your spouse and responding to your spouse empathically is a relationship skill that is absolutely crucial a healthy, intimate marriage. So crucial, I believe, that in our Marriage Renewal Retreats, we spend an entire session and several exercises on training couples in this vital skill of "empathic responding." One question that inevitably arises is, "How can I empathize with my spouse when I don't agree with her?"
My answer is that validating your spouse doesn't necessarily mean you agree with your spouse with regards to his or her perceptions and feelings. But you can still acknowledge your spouse's feelings even though you don't agree with your spouse's thoughts and reasoning.
So how do you validate your spouse's feelings ? Validating your spouse's feelings requires accepting your spouse's feelings without judging them or trying to minimize them. And then it involves responding empathically. To respond empathically first listen...really listen, seek to enter into your spouses experience. Put yourself in your spouses shoes and try to look at the world through his or her eyes, and then lastly, verbally acknowledge his or her feelings, by saying for example, "I understand that you feel _______________(anxious, disappointed, upset, etc."
When you validate your spouse's feelings by responding empathically, it
says to your spouse that you care...that you care enough to really listen, and to try to understand. Validation is a powerful tool that you can use both to reduce frustration, anger and conflict, as well as to create companionship and build intimacy in your marriage.
*Scott Stanley, et al. A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage; (San Francisco: Josey-Bass, 1998), p. 29.
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Six Ways to Keep Your Marriage Strong Through Tough Times
by Roy Milam
Click on the Internet or turn on the news, and just about all you hear these days is gloom and doom...unemployment is up, the Dow Jones is down, home foreclosures are rising. These are indeed difficult times in which we live, and tough times can take a toll on marriages too. Hopefully we're nearing an upturn, but in the meantime what can you do to help your marriage survive through the tough times?
About six months ago, Bill and Katie were forced to shut down their deli/coffee shop, which they had used their life savings to start only a year earlier. "Losing the business was especially hard on Bill," Katie says. "He'd just sit around the house every day, hardly saying a word. If I suggested he send out some resumes, he'd take that as criticism and storm out the door in a huff. Eventually he found work, which helped our finances. But still there's a distance between us that wasn't there a year ago."
Another couple, Bob and Carol, ended up moving in with her parents for three stressful months after he lost his job. "I was on unemployment, and we were broke. We had one hassle after another with Carol's mom," Bob says. "But, even though it was a rough time, my wife and I both look back at what happened and feel we have a stronger marriage as a result."
For better or for worse
Going through hard times can leave a husband and wife feeling closer and more committed to each other than ever before, or it can pull them apart and sever their relationship. How will your marriage fare in tough times? Will it survive or will it thrive?
When the going gets tough, spouses often do things unwittingly that undermines their relationship, just when they need each other most. Oftentimes, couples get so caught up in day-to-day survival, that they put their relationship on the back burner. We need to be careful not to focus all our time and energy on the problems, and not have energy left for our mate and our marriage.
Pointing the finger is another hallmark of spouses under stress. It's easy to start thinking your mate is not pulling his or her share of the responsibilities, and start keeping score. We're inclined to see more of what we're doing that's positive in the relationship, but only a fraction of what our partner does. But scorekeeping can be dangerous because when you start keeping score, even if you're accurate, you're likely to end up resenting your mate before too long. That just creates more tension and strain on the relationship. It can end up you versus your mate and become a wedge that drives you apart.
The challenge is to draw closer to your mate and build a stronger marriage, rather than letting the tough times drive a wedge between the two of you. Let me suggest 6 ways to strengthen your relationship and keep your marriage strong through tough times:
1. Lean on each other. A favorite 60's song of mine is James Taylor's "Lean On Me." It goes, "Lean on me when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on." That's what we need from each other sometimes- somebody to lean on. We need to be able to share our concerns, fears and hopes without being criticized or judged. We need to be there for each other, to listen to each other, and talk things out. When couples are under a lot of stress, they need to reach out to each other with an open ear and a shoulder to lean on. Scripture encourages us, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 (TNIV).
2. Keep your challenges in perspective. Distinguish your fears of the worst-case scenario from the facts. We have a tendency to "catastrophize" when we're under stress. This can either freeze you into helplessness or catapult you into hysteria. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that actually could happen?" When you think things through, often you'll realize the situation isn't as bad as you thought. We need to prepare for the worst, but pray for the best, and trust God whatever the outcome. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind," 2 Timothy 1:7
3. Get connected and stay connected. In Ephesians 5:22-6:4, God gave us several keys to having a successful Christian marriage and family. In chapter 5, verses 18-21, one of the keys is that it be grounded in a Spirit-filled, worshipping community. A Christian marriage without the instruction, encouragement, and support found through involvement in the life of a church, certainly won't thrive, and likely won't survive the tough times. As married couples, we need the encouragement, support, and all the other many benefits of belonging to a caring church family. Make it a priority as a couple to get connected in a like-minded community of believers, attend a weekly home group or Bible Study group where you can seek God and grow in your faith together.
4. Accentuate the positive. Don't let negativity dominate your lives. According to behavioral scientists, 77 percent of the average person's internal self-talk is negative. One negative thought can neutralize dozens of positive ones. Imagine the impact this can have on a marriage. It can short circuit your attitude toward your mate and cause you to disconnect. The focus of our thoughts is what determines our attitudes and feelings. Once you own that fact you can set your mind on a positive track. You can begin to live out what the apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians (4:8-9): "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things ... and the God of peace will be with you." Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, and you'll change your attitude, your feelings- and your life for good.
5. Relax and take time to enjoy. Mark 6:31 tells about when the disciples had been working hard and were weary. Jesus told them, "Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while." Jesus often went to the mountains or desert for relaxation. Block out some time in your schedule to be alone with your mate and get away from whatever is causing you stress. Go on a walk, to a park, or the beach. Share a cup of tea after the kids are in bed. Get involved with a new activity. Take a dance class together. Spend the night at a Bed & Breakfast. Have some fun.
6. Show your affection. In times of tension and disagreement, make a special effort to forgive, mend and reaffirm your love. Make it a point to tell each other "I love you," and say it often. Don't just assume your mate knows how you feel, "It's during the tough times that your partner needs the reassurance of your love even more. Put a note in his briefcase to say how much you appreciate him. Acknowledge that she has had a rough day and offer to finish her chores. Small gestures like these can go a long way. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you," (Ephesians 4:32).
Prayer-
"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret" (Psalm 37:7).
Father, we pause to quiet our minds and release to You all our concerns about the challenges we're facing, our fears and worries about the future, and the pressures that weigh heavily on us today. Give us wisdom and understanding to turn these difficult times into opportunities to draw closer to you and to each other. We know that you use trials to test and strengthen us, and our marriage. And this is truly what we desire Lord. We want a love and a relationship that is strong, full of kindness, patience, faith and hope. We want a love that will never fail. We surrender ourselves to You LORD, and thank you for what you are doing in each of us and in our marriage. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
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Communication: The Pathway of Love and Intimacy
by Roy Milam
With the invention of ipods and cell phones, our ability to communicate with each other has drastically increased. Whether we're driving in the car, standing in line at the grocery store, or on vacation in a neighboring state, we have more opportunity to communicate than ever. But despite our advanced technology and around-the-clock availability, communication between spouses hasn't necessarily improved. Couples still struggle with the same old stumbling blocks that have hindered communication with the opposite sex for centuries.
Communication is the pathway on which love travels. But if there are blips and barriers in our lines of communication, our love doesn't reach its target and our relationship suffers. I've heard it said many times, "if two people love each other, the successful marriage will just happen - it will be natural." But that's a myth!
There's nothing natural about good communication or good relationships. On the contrary, good communication is learned. The great thing is, God's Word shares invaluable guidelines we need to open the lines of communication and keep them clutter-free.
What is Communication?
Marriage expert Norm Wright says, "Communication is the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities...It's the process of sharing yourself verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can both accept and understand what you're saying."
Researchers tell us that the words we speak only make up about seven percent of the communication process. Real communication is seven percent words, 38 percent tone of voice, and 55 percent non-verbal (facial expression, gesture, posture).
There are at least five major levels of communication. Level one is cliché conversation-"How's it going? Fine. See you later." Level two is reporting facts- "Are you going to pick up the kids? Yes. I'll be home at five." Level three is ideas and judgments- "What do you think about that? Let me get your opinion on this."
Level four is where we go deeper; it's about feelings and emotions, and it's here that true growth begins to happen. Level five goes even beyond sharing emotions to wide open communication, mutual understanding, and total honesty. This is where we unzip our hearts, put them out on the table, and share everything. (Men often have a difficult time with these last two levels, because we're led to believe we shouldn't show our emotions.)
How much time are you spending with your spouse in levels four and five? As a couple, or even among close friends, intimacy does not occur unless levels four and five occur. These levels appear "dangerous" because they open us up to pain, risk, fear, and vulnerability. But they can be deeply fulfilling.
Been Burned Before?
If you've opened up in the past, only to be burned, you're probably tensing up and crossing your arms right now, saying, "I'm not going there...this didn't work for me before." But let me suggest that the reason it may not have worked is because you haven't done it God's way. Let's look in the Bible at Ephesians 4 and look at five key ways we can open up the communication highway in a way that is safe, effective, and fulfilling.
Guideline 1 - Be Honest
"But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up into all aspects unto Him, who is the head, even Christ...Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." (Ephesians 4:15,25)
The principle is-speak the truth in love. It may be easy to tell the truth and it may be easy to be loving, but it's often difficult to do both-to speak the truth in love. Let me give you a skill that will help you do this: make direct requests.
If you're a lady and you want to go for a drive or a bike ride with your husband, don't say, "It's a beautiful day. The sun's out. It's nice walking weather." You didn't ask for anything (and we men are too dense to get your hint)! Here's how to make a direct request: "Honey, I would like to take a walk with you this afternoon.Would you be willing to do that with me between one and two?"
And guys, the same goes for you! If you're in the mood for love, don't tell you wife she smells good or looks nice in that dress. You haven't made a direct request. Instead, you may try something like this: "You look very attractive and I don't know what you have planned for this evening, but I would really enjoy getting together with you tonight..." You get the picture.
Guideline 2 - Deal with Anger
"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26)
The principle is, deal with anger appropriately. Be angry, but don't sin. Philip says, "If you are angry, be sure that it's not out of wounded pride or a bad temper. Never go to bed angry. Don't give the devil that sort of a foot hold." See, most of us have learned not to deal with our anger. We stuff it, we leak it, and it oozes out and sabotages our relationships.
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions in the world, but God has positive uses for it, at times. The command is to be angry, but not let the sun go down on it-don't let it turn to bitterness and sin; deal with it in a way that doesn't harm your mate or your relationship.
At one time in our marriage, Theresa was upset because I was often late for dinner. Under control, she said, "Honey, I feel very hurt and angry when I spend hours preparing a meal to communicate how much I love you, and you repeatedly come home late and miss it, you're communicating to me that you must not love me." I got the message and changed.
Guideline 3 - Be Diligent
"Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need." (Ephesians 4:28)
Be willing to work hard on your relationships. That's what Theresa and I have decided. We try to schedule things on our calendar that will enrich our marriage. For instance, we try to block off at least fifteen minutes a day to simply connect, catch up, and talk. We also try to get out on a date once a week. And, I believe it's important for you and your spouse to get away on an overnight trip two or three times a year.
It's tempting to steal from the time that our marriages deserve, even pouring it into our kids, our work, our hobbies, our homes, and such. But God says, "Don't do that." Work hard on your relationships. Be diligent. Don't take shortcuts, because there's no product without the process.
Guideline 4 - Keep it Positive
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29)
The word "unwholesome" is a picture of spoiled meat or fruit. That's what unwholesome talk is-ugly, smelly, good-for-nothing. Don't wound with your words. Speak at the right time, in the right way, and allow God to use your words to help others.
In your relationships, use words that build up, not break down. That means no labeling, no yelling, no screaming, and no unwholesome words; no saying, "You're just like your mother." "Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1: 19). Please, write that verse down, memorize it, and ask God to help you learn to think before you speak.
Guideline 5 - Be Quick to Forgive
"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)
What's wrong with being the first to say you're sorry? That's God's way. Be kind to one another, be understanding, be quick to forgive. That's where real maturity and love show themselves. Let's put it this way-do we want God to wait until we get our act together to forgive us? No! In the same way, Christ has forgiven you, so you should be quick to forgive others.
Guideline 6 - Listen
"...that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
Example: Early in our marriage, when Sue was working as a claims manager...
I, with the best of intentions, started to help her solve her problem. I gave me a lecture titled Management 101. Goals." Next, he started to describe a flow chart. Suddenly I was befuddled when she started to cry and said, "I don't want a diagram. I just want some understanding "
Now if she just wants to vent, she tells me ahead of time. And I've learned to ask her, "Do you want my advice or just my ear?"
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Ballancing Work & Family Life
by Roy Milam
If you feel like it's getting tougher to balance all the competing pressures of life, you're not alone. In fact, more than three of every five workers find it difficult to balance work, life and family, according to a recent poll released by the Alliance for Marriage.
The costs of this hazardous imbalance can be steep: poor mental and physical health, low productivity and morale, marital conflict leading to breakdown, and too many kids who don't spend enough time with Mom and Dad.
In a nutshell, it's just not healthy, productive or beneficial for workers to be married to their job, and based on this troubling new data, maybe it's time to file for divorce. We should end this unholy matrimony for the sake of ourselves, our mate, our employer, our kids and our economy. I'm not suggesting you quit your job, just encouraging you to examine your priorities and if needed a take some practical steps to balance the scales of Work and Family.
Tips to Help Balance Work and Family Life:
"Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..." Ephesians 5:15-16
- Understand the importance of drawing a line between work and home.
- When you first arrive home from work, give your spouse a big hug and kiss. Then spend some time talking together about how the day went. Don't do anything else til you do this.
- Make sure that you don't use the master bedroom for your home office. Consider making the master bedroom off limits to computers and televisions.
- Find a way to unwind from the office before you walk through the door at home.
- Sit in your car for 10 minutes a block away.
- Stop at a park to jog or walk.
- Work out a gym for a few minutes
- Listen to an audio book or music
- Stick to your scheduled work hours. It isn't fair to your spouse or your kids to work longer than expected.
- Sure, there may be times when you have to work than you planned.
just don't make the extra work hours a daily occurrence.
- If your work schedule will temporarily include longer hours for awhile,
make sure that you have at least one night during the week, and one
day during the weekend to spend time together.
Prayer-
Father, thank you for Your promise to supply all of our needs. And thank you, Lord for giving me the desire and the abilities to help provide for my family. Help me to give my employer a good day's work and to work with integtity. Show me how to keep work a servant to our marriage and family, not a master. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
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Eight Habits of a Healthy Marriage
by Roy Milam
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In his 'Sermon on the Mount,' Jesus outlined eight character traits that result in true happiness. These eight habits of character -- when applied to marriage -- will result in a thriving relationship, and true happiness in our marriage as well. Jesus laid these out in Matthew 5:3-10.
1. The first habit Jesus described is being "poor in spirit."
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3).
Being poor in spirit speaks of realizing our need for God. It's realizing that in terms of my own spiritual assets, I am broke. My spiritual bank account is overdrawn- I'm spiritually bankrupt. Applied to my marriage, it's realizing that I don't have the power and the wisdom in and of myself to make my marriage work. I need God and I need to follow His plan daily.
The opposite is an attitude that is self-sufficient and prideful- I don't need God or anyone else. Pride wreaks all kinds of problems in a marriage- it keeps us from admitting we're wrong, and it keeps us from admitting that we need God's strength and guidance. Being "poor in spirit" is having an honest and realistic appraisal of yourself spiritually apart from God.
2. The second habit Jesus described is spiritual mourning: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (V4)
"Spiritual mourning" is our sense of brokenness before God and follows logically from the first, "poor in spirit" (Matt. 5:3). When we begin to see our spiritual bankruptcy, and realize our sinfulness and selfishness- we mourn. First over our sin against God, then over the ways we hurt our spouse. It's a repentant, godly sorrow for our sin. "For godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Cor. 7:10).
Jesus says there is a special blessing- a happiness for those who live a life of repentance, who have a sense of sorrow for their transgressions. "Spiritual mourning" is fundamental to a restored fellowship and intimacy with God and our spouse. This kind of mourning leads us to repentance and confession. When was the last time you mourned over how you hurt your mate, or how you sinned against God? Do you need to confess anything to God or your spouse? If so, why not do it right now?
3.The third habit Jesus described is meekness. He said, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth"(Matt. 5:5).
Flashy business tycoons like Donald Trump and self-focused entertainers like Madonna are celebrated in our culture today. Adoring fans marvel at their every act and wish they could lead such fabulous lives. Words like 'meekness' -- being strong but tender hearted and humble -- are not part of the popular language. Yet, in his 'Sermon on the Mount,' Jesus speaks of a great reward for those who are meek. "Meekness" is a humble and gentle strength, which only comes through submission to God. An example of this character trait is found in Jesus Himself: "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matt. 11:29).
The opposite of meekness is arrogant aggressiveness. It has a severe impact on marriage. The meek spouse does not retaliate when wronged, knowing there is a great reward in store. When husbands and wives exhibit meekness, they will have an immediate reward in their marriage.
How did you react in your last marital argument, with meekness or with anger? How will you express meekness in your next marital conflict? Be specific and ask God right now to help you acquire this powerful quality.
4. The fourth habit for a happy marriage, Jesus described is having a spiritual hunger: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." (Matthew 5:6)
Notice He didn't say-"blessed are those who hunger and thirst." We all have hunger and thirst- not just physically, but a deep yearning within our souls that seeks for satisfaction and fulfillment. Something within us longs for it. And all of us, in one way or another insist on finding it in our own ways. We pursue empty avenues of fulfillment apart from God.Yet nothing apart from God can give us lasting satisfaction and fulfillment.
Satan is a master of counterfeit. He capitalizes on our hunger and thirst by tempting us with limitless opportunities for phony, yet appealing satisfaction. But we must remember, our hunger and thirst for fulfillment and true happiness can only be found in our creator God, through pursuing, day-by-day a personal, intimate relationship with Him.
In John4: 13-14, Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life." If we hunger and thirst after Him and His righteousness, we will be filled, and our marriages will be blessed. As our intimacy with God grows deeper, our marriages become richer. Do you hunger and thirst for God's righteousness? If not, ask Him to whet your appetite for His own righteousness. He promises to fill you.
5. Jesus describes the fifth habit in Matt. 5:7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy."
Being merciful means being committed to embracing forgiveness. In your marriage, it means that you are committed to make a choice every time a wrong occurs, to extend mercy to your mate by affirming your forgiveness. It's being committed to regarding your mate's wrongs toward you in the same way that Christ does- He sees and treats your mate's wrongs with forgiveness.
You are a merciful spouse when you realize your own sinful nature, and see the harmful impact of an unforgiving attitude. When you truly understand the magnitude of your own forgiveness in Christ you will be compassionate toward failure in your spouse. Nothing is more important to marriage than forgiveness. Bitterness and an unwillingness to forgive will destroy the relationship. Forgiveness heals, gives hope and brings renewed love to a marriage.
6. The sixth habit Jesus described in Matt. 5:7 Purity: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."
(Matthew 5:8)
As our culture moves further away from its original foundation on biblical morality, more and more people have little idea of what the words "pure," "holy," or "godly" really mean. Immorality, and deceitfulness cannot coexist with a pure heart. Purity is a condition of the heart that involves one's mind (what one thinks about) and will (what one chooses to do). When a person is single-minded in his or her love and commitment to Christ, this outward commitment results in inward purity.
Many marriages are characterized by spouses who easily commit immoral and unrighteous acts without conviction or accountability. But the spouse with a pure heart will not live by a double standard. The standard for purity is the righteousness of Christ. "What would Jesus do in this situation?" A spouse who is walking in purity can be trusted, both publicly and privately, to do what is right and honorable. It is this lifestyle of trust that is so necessary for a successful marriage. This requires a single-mindedness in our commitment to please Christ in our thoughts and actions.
7. Peaceable: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God." (Matthew 5:9)
We all know that conflict within a marriage is inevitable. Some people think peace is the absence of conflict. But peace is more than just the absence of conflict- it's the presence of righteousness. And nothing brings more blessing to a marriage than a spouse who is a peacemaker. Instead of delighting in division, bitterness, and strife, the peacemaker spouse diligently seeks to make peace whenever possible. How?
A peacemaker spouse is quick to seek and grant forgiveness. A peacemaker's spouse seeks ways to come together in agreement and look for solutions where both parties win, not where one wins and the other loses. They think of the needs of their mate, and promote they harmony. They try to find opportunities for agreement, and not always to disagree. A peacemaker looks for things in common, not differences. Love is their motivation, not anger or meanness. Are you characterized as a peacemaker in your marriage?
8. The eighth character habit Jesus says in Matthew 5:10 is persecution. He says,"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Perhaps today this beatitude could read: "Blessed are those who are made fun or ridiculed for openly living for righteousness, and following the principles and values of their Christian faith." Jesus said there is a great reward for those who stand out because of their faith rather than hiding their righteousness to avoid discomfort.
As couples, Jesus wants us to live our lives righteously and boldly for Him, to be a light to our friends, to our children, and our children's friends, to our extended families, and our neighbors as well. Sometimes this will result in some form of persecution- rejection or ridicule. If and when it does, you will be blessed.
These principles Jesus gives us are not anything like the conventional wisdom of our day, but if we put them into practice, we can be assured they will indeed form the foundation for a truly great marriage.
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