Having landed on this page and reading this far, obviously you or someone you know and care about is going through the searing pain of adultery. If so, my heart goes out to you and I want you to know there is help, and there is hope. Marriages can heal. I know because I've walked with hundreds of couples and supported them through this anguishing experience . The discovery of a spouses adultery is like a bomb dropped in the middle of your marriage. The damage is incomprehensible. You feel as if the world has collapsed -at least it seems that way because it feels so devastating. You wonder whether your marriage can survive.
While it will be hard work, the good news is that it has been estimated that two-thirds of marriages survive affairs. Of those that don't survive, my guess is that far too many sweep the affair under the rug and never really deal with it...a mistake you definitely don't want to make.
Let me share with you four important truths that you need to know right now:
Truth #1: You can heal.
Truth #2: You can trust again.
Truth #3: You can love again.
Truth #4: You can have a happier, healthier relationship that you both will cherish for a lifetime.
Surviving an affair and healing your relationship is possible. I know those words may seem difficult to believe, especially if you've just recently discovered the infidelity of your spouse. The shock and pain can be so debilitating that you may not feel any hope for your marriage right now. Maybe not just yet. But you need to know that marriages really can heal from an affair. As terrible as adultery is, it is forgivable. You're probably not in a position to forgive just yet. But it is possible for your spouse to be truly sorrowful and repentant and to change, and it is possible for you to truly forgive.
You may be thinking, "But I'll never be able to trust him or her again." That's a completely understandable reaction to the trauma of adultery, and perfectly normal for you to feel that way because trust, the very foundation of your relationship has been broken. But nevertheless, with some guidance and understanding, you can heal, you can love again, you can trust again, and you can have a happier, healthier relationship that you both will cherish for a lifetime. It will take some time and hard work, but we know it's possible because we've been there with hundreds of couples and walked with them each step of the way through it!
Perhaps you're sitting there reading these words but wondering if they could be true. I can understand your pain and how you might feel that way. In the early stages of recovering from an affair most couples don't know if healing can be accomplished, or much less, how to go about it. The first two or three months will be very hard for both of you. But it does get better. Please, allow me to offer you some suggestions as to how to begin?
1) Browse our website
Learning about infidelity and extramarital affairs puts you in a better position to cope with and navigate the challenges ahead. There's a lot of good information and suggested resources here to help you navigate the healing process. We have some excellent "FREE" resources in our Article area that address the healing process, and other key issues couples face. Also, We have dedicated prayer team of couples who have been through our program who will pray for you. Just email us: Pray4Us@MarriageMinistry.org and we'll add your first names to our prayer list. Our prayer team will pray specifically for you and your marriage over the next 90 days (or longer if you request).
2) Find out about the healing process.
The truth is that not all counselors and experts go about the healing process in the exact same way, so you may get some differing opinions on how to walk through your healing process. We've been working with couples, therapists, pastors and counselors for over 18 years and what we've discovered is that there are two requirements in our opinion for whatever path you choose, (1) It needs to be biblical and (2) It needs to work for "both" of you. Of course, you want your choices to be the healthiest for your marriage, so again, educate yourself. There is a lot of information available about affair recovery programs. We have a number of helps and suggestions under "Recommended Resources."
3) Seek godly counsel.
Adultery is considered by therapists to be perhaps the most difficult marriage issue to resolve. That doesn't mean impossible - it just means that it is a biggie. Therefore, most of us need help to get through the recovery. Professional, Biblical Christian marriage counseling is something we highly recommend. But we also know that sometimes it can be difficult to obtain. We have some suggestions about how to find professional counselors in our Article section - "How a Christian Marriage Counselor Can Help."
4) We want you to know that you do not have to be alone on this journey.
We believe...we know, there is help for you in the body of Christ and we are here for you also. More importantly, we know that the God of all creation, the God of our salvation, the God that loves you is sufficient for even this. He has the power to offer a new beginning, a new life to all who put their trust in Him. And He has the power to offer new life for your marriage. Seek Him. He is there even when it doesn't feel like it. "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:17-18).
5) Understand the Difficult Emotions You Will be Dealing With
The first thing you feel when you first discover that your spouse is having or has had an affair, whether a physical or emotional affair, is shock. In fact, most people describe the experience as being "Devastating." You may feel overwhelmed and surprised at the variety and intensity of emotions you feel. This is a normal response to such a traumatic experience in your life. The frequent and extreme emotional swings typically experienced during this time can cause you to feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster, and include such feelings as:
Shock Denial
Anger Fear
Dispair Loneliness
Grief Anxiety
Helplessness Hopelessness
Understanding, accepting and expressing your feelings is crucial to recovery. Since the intensity of these feelings can be so overwhelming and painful, most people want to hurry the process and get past it as soon as possible. But recovery cannot and should not be rushed. It will take some time, but time alone cannot heal. It will also take understanding, support, prayer and perseverance.
Steps That Both Spouses Can Take to Recover From An Affair
Although every relationship is different, these steps are crucial to help restore a broken marriage:
1. First, the affair must end. This includes any and all interaction and communication with the lover. Make a commitment to your spouse to never see or talk to the lover again. Block potential communication with the lover (change e-mail address and telephone, cell phone, and pager numbers. Change jobs and relocate if necessary. True reinvestment of yourself in your marriage can't happen without this.
2. Accept responsibility and be accountable. If you are the wayward spouse who had the affair, accept responsibility for your actions. Offer to have your cell phone, voice messages and email monitored by your spouse. If you were the spouse who who was betrayed, consider the role you may have played in your spouse's unhappiness and reasons for straying.
3. See a marriage counselor immediately. This is a marital emergency. Find a Christian marriage counselor who will help you restore your marriage. Seek help from a Pastor or a Marriage Counselor who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. Avoid counselors and therapists who see an affair as the end of marriage.
4. Determine your shared goal. It may take some time to sort out what's happened and make the decision to move forward and work on healing your relationship. If and when you both agree that you want to mend your marriage, express that desire to each other. If you both agree on the goal of reconciliation, it is important to know that restoring the marriage will take time, energy and commitment.
5. Talk about it. You both are adjusting to this new reality. Understand that you and your spouse may need the help of a marriage counselor to deal with it and to talk constructively about it. If you are the betrayed spouse, once the initial shock is over, you will need to talk in order to try and make sense out of a world that was not what it seemed. You will likely feel the need to ask many questions about the affair. That's okay. Asking questions- at least some questions can be a positive thing. There are some good reasons to ask questions. One good reason you should ask questions is so that there will be no hidden issues that could emerge later in a hurtful way, or that that could later emerge and become a source of shame, guilt or bitterness in your marriage. In asking questions, it can be helpful to first ask yourself, "What's the point of my question?"
For full restoration to take place in your marriage, you as the betrayed spouse do need to gain a complete accounting of the affair so that you understand how you have been sinned against. Only then will your forgiveness be complete. But in the process of discovery, keep in mind that regardless of how many questions you may ask, it is unlikely that you will ever be able to fully understand everything about what happened that has turned your world upside down.
Understand too that there some potentially bad reasons for asking questions. Sometimes after a traumatic event we tend to think that if we had enough information we could make sense of it all, reduce our pain, feel more secure and in control and keep ourselves from being hurt that way again. But of course, gaining complete, detail knowledge of your spouse's sin will not bring all the pieces of the puzzle together. Having all the vivid details you can obtain will likely never enable you to make complete sense out of the terrible trauma that has befallen you. Neither will it protect you, nor make you to feel safe, secure and protected again.
My suggestion to the betrayed spouse is that you ask general questions but don't get into vivid details. Getting the general facts is important. However, sharing information about sexual details is not advisable but in fact can be destructive. There are certain images that you do not want to plant in your mind. Instead of trying to get all your questions answered, it can be much more helpful to you if you turn to God in prayer, put your situation in His hands, "casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7).
If you are the wayward spouse, you should be prepared to have patience, answer questions and make a complete confession. That will be difficult and wearisome. But a vital part of healing your relationship and restoring trust is being willing to be patient and tell the truth. Your betrayed spouse needs to hear openly and honestly what happened, and to be able to ask questions - no matter how difficult talking or hearing about this may be. It is important for a betrayed spouse to know the extent of the relationship. For example, was it an emotioanal attachment, or was there sexual intimacy involved? Whether it was an emotional attachment or sexual intimacy involved, were you "in love."
6. Identify the issues. Infidelity often reveals underlying problems in your marriage. Examine your relationship to understand what has contributed to the affair. Seek to understand what each of you needs to do to prevent it from happening again.
7. Give it time. If you were the one betrayed, you should have the freedom to set the timetable for recovery. Often the person who has been unfaithful is anxious to "put all of this behind us" to help cope with his or her guilt. Allow each other enough time to understand and heal. I've seen estimates that it takes two years to process through all the issues.
8. Forgive. For many people, this is the hardest part of recovering from an affair. Forgiveness isn't likely to come quickly or easily - it may be a long process. But if you're committed to your partner and your marriage, forgiveness tends to become easier over time.
9. Restore trust. Make a serious commitment to rebuilding your marriage. Go to counseling together to help visibly confirm your commitment to the restoration process. Be transparent and talk openly about concerns to prevent secrecy from continuing to erode your relationship.
10. Recommit to your future. What you're going through is emotionally devastating. But know that a crisis like this often makes people and marriages stronger than ever before. Several years later after I had helped a couple recover from an affair, the wife wrote me and said, "My husband's affair turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me." She went on to say how it had also been the hardest thing she had ever endured, and for a while she wondered whether or not she'd be able to get through it. But the point is they did more than just recover. They rebuilt their marriage. So can you.
Cornerstone Marriage & Family Ministries
(281) 304-1500
