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| What's Behind Successful Marriages? By Roy M. Milam
As I sipped my Starbucks and browsed the "Marriage" section at Barnes and Noble, a large, glossy, coffee-table book caught my eye. It was titled The Greatest Weddings of All Time. It featured media stars like Prince Charles and Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. As I thumbed through the book, I thought how sad it was that most of these marriages didn't last very long. That's probably why the book celebrates great weddings instead of great marriages.
Many of these couples apparently had no idea about how to keep a marriage together. How tragic this is -- not only for the couples involved, and their children, but also because many of our young people today idolize those they watch on television or in films. And they're imitating what they see -one reason the divorce rate even among Christians is so high.
What are we in the Church doing about this? I'm afraid, not nearly enough. Far too many churches have allowed their role to deteriorate to being little more than what one marriage expert called "wedding factories." Many churches help couples prepare for elaborate wedding ceremonies but not for lasting marriages. The Church needs to boldly proclaim the biblical teaching on marriage and offer practical, ongoing help to engaged couples, newlyweds, to couples in struggling marriages, and proactive biblical help for marriages at all stages.
It's not as though the church doesn't have answers or resources. There are a number of excellent resources available to help churches build strong marriages and families. For engaged couples, we use a tool called PREPARE. A couple fills out a questionnaire that provides an objective snapshot of their relationship's growth areas and strengths. "Keeping Love Alive" is our one-day marriage workshop we hold in churches to help couples at any stage of marriage to proactively strengthen their marriages. For couples in crisis, we have an effective program called "A New Beginning," which includes a 4-week follow up. In a survey of couples who attended an A New Beginning, 86% of the participants reported their marital satisfaction had improved significantly, and they had recommitted to their marriage.
Marriages and families need help today. What is your church doing to strengthen marriages and families? Why not help your pastor by providing her/him information on programs like these that can help build strong marriages in your church and community? God has a plan for marriage, and we - God's people need to be reaching out to couples with practical, Biblical help. Why do marriages fail? While the answers to that question are many and often complex, there is a growing body of research suggesting that there are four negative risk factors- four negative behavior patterns that create barriers in a marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure. In one key studiy, researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, starting before they were married, and were able to differentiate those couples who do well from those who do not, with up to 91% accuracy.* Crucial to the success of any marriage is for couples to eliminate or reduce the occurrence of these four risk factors. Previously we discussed Escalation* and Invalidation. Now, let's take a look at a third one - Negative Interpretations. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).
God did a wonderful thing when He created man and woman so differently. The differences between man as male and woman as female were intended to usher in many special blessings (Genesis 1:28). Unfortunately, because of the fall, the blessings of the sexes became the battle between the sexes. The unique qualities with which God endowed each, now give rise to misunderstanding and conflict rather than completion and harmony.
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