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| How A Christian Marriage Counselor Can Help By Roy M. Milam Over the years of my experience in working with couples, I have talked with many people who have stayed in an unhappy marriage until the resentment built and they felt they had no choice but to divorce. These people often don't voice their unhappiness, but rather coast along and go with the flow hoping that their situation will get better, that something will change and the problems will be instantly solved. Then there are those who "try” with everything they have to make the marriage work before they leave. These people are problem solvers who feel they owe it to the marriage to try to find solutions to the problems before they throw in the towel.
The one thing both have in common is that they rarely go to marriage counseling. In my experience, I've found that very few people go to marriage counseling before deciding to divorce. In other words they donn’t really give their marriage a fair chance by working with a professional.
Maintaining a marriage and solving problems within the marriage takes skills that few of us are naturally equipped with. We may think we are doing all we can to solve the problems in a marriage but, a good Christian marriage counselor can be of great benefit in teaching us new ways of solving problems and meeting each other's needs.
There are many benefits to participating in distinctively Christian, biblical marriage counseling:
- You can learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. In marriage counseling you can learn communication skills that will help you not only listen to your spouse but, to also process and understand what your spouse is saying.
- You can learn how to state your needs clearly and openly without resentment or anger.
- You will learn how to communicate assertively without being aggressive or offensive. Both spouses need to be able to talk about their issues without fear of hurting the other spouse. In marriage counseling you will learn that you can express what you need without having to make demands and engage in conflict.
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You will learn to process and work through unresolved issues. Marriage counseling offers a safe environment for expressing any unhappiness you feel. Getting your feelings out into the open with the help of a trained professional may be all you need. You may find that your spouse is more than willing to work together to solve the problems in the marriage. You may also find that your spouse is unwilling to do the work. If so, you are then free to leave the marriage without any guilt because you have given it your best shot.
Relationship skills needed to maintain a fulfilling marriage are learnable. A marriage counselor can teach you those skills while monitoring your progress, mediating conflict and giving objective feedback.
If you wait too long to seek marriage counseling, the odds are against you. Even if you feel it is too late and no amount of marriage counseling will help. Doing so just may keep you from making a mistake you will later regret. If you are thinking about divorce, protect yourself from future regret by working with a Christian marriage counselor.
What Is Christian Marriage Counseling?
Christian marriage counseling generally involves three main areas: 1) problems or issues in general, such as difficulty communicating, a loss of closeness, etc. 2) personal problems that develop or occur within marriage. 3) loss of a sense of God's principles for marriage.
The need for Christian marriage counseling cannot be emphasized enough, because we live in a world that often devalues marriage. As Christians, we additionally recognize the presence of an enemy, on the prowl to devour (1 Peter 5:8) marriages. From the beginning, marriage has been part of God's plan for His creation, and Satan is vehemently against this precious tradition. If we need evidence that we are in trouble, just take a look at the divorce rate both in Christian and non-christian environments.
Christian marriage counseling seeks to address problems and issues. If problems are not dealt with in a timely manner, they can fester and bring further devastation to a marriage. While problems are common to every marriage, Christians have the means to solve them. Think of it as deflecting a virus before it takes hold of our bodies. An appropriate response may not prevent the virus, but it can help us weather the storm and rebound stronger as a result.
In marriage, it is important to recognize and acknowledge problems early. Marriage counseling brings attention to these problems and helps resolve them. Prevalent problems include poor communication, a lack of closeness or intimacy, nagging, or anger.
At the root of many of these problems is pride. We often believe we can solve our own problems. This can be aggravating in a marriage, especially when one spouse recognizes a need for help and the other refuses. The Bible tells us to examine ourselves (2 Corinthians 13:5). This principle would also include marriages, so if there are issues that need resolution, Christian Biblical counseling is a godly choice.
Problems may also be relational, a result of not knowing how to interact, whether emotionally, intellectually, or physically. Other serious problems that could develop might be lying, adultery, pornography, emotional wounds, mental conditions, etc. When these problems are not dealt with, they represent a potentially crushing threat to the marriage.
Christian marriage counseling helps us refocus on our priorities. It's easy for us to get distracted and lose sight of what and who is important. In addition to helping us find solutions to problems and issues, Christian counseling can provide marital and relationship-building techniques. By offering precepts from God's Word, good Christian marriage counseling can help quench the "viruses" that affect and harm our relationships.
Christian marriage counseling can help us deal with the problems that threaten to tear apart our lives. Effective counseling reassures us that God cares and that He desires to be a central part in our marriage. We can learn principles from God's Word that will remind us in days to come of God's ideals for husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-11). Christian marriage counselors share and encourage these precepts.
Why do marriages fail? While the answers to that question are many and often complex, there is a growing body of research suggesting that there are four negative risk factors- four negative behavior patterns that create barriers in a marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure. In one key studiy, researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, starting before they were married, and were able to differentiate those couples who do well from those who do not, with up to 91% accuracy.* Crucial to the success of any marriage is for couples to eliminate or reduce the occurrence of these four risk factors. Previously we discussed Escalation* and Invalidation. Now, let's take a look at a third one - Negative Interpretations. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).
God did a wonderful thing when He created man and woman so differently. The differences between man as male and woman as female were intended to usher in many special blessings (Genesis 1:28). Unfortunately, because of the fall, the blessings of the sexes became the battle between the sexes. The unique qualities with which God endowed each, now give rise to misunderstanding and conflict rather than completion and harmony.
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