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Always There For Me
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
˜ Author Unknown
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The Assertive Husband
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband takes the doctor's advice.
He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly,
" The undertaker?"
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Sue and Pete have an agreement... they never go to sleep angry with each other. They've been awake now for nearly six months.
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Swatting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"! He responded, "3 were on the remote, 2 were on the phone."
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How to Install LOVE
Customer Service (CS) Rep. : Yes, how can I help you today?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART maa'm?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep. : What does the message say?
Customer: It says 'ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.' What does that mean?
CS Rep. : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to 'LOVE' your own machine before it can 'LOVE' others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called 'SELF-ACCEPTANCE'? Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep. : Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep. : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the 'MYHEART' directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go. Customer: Yes?
CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to your mate everyday, every chance you get. Your mate will in turn some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch.........
˜ Author Unknown
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Loving HusbandJoe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
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MiscommunicationA judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?'
She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'
'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded.
'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?'
'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'
He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?'
'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'
'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.'
'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'
'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'
'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!'
˜Author: Unknown
Why do marriages fail? While the answers to that question are many and often complex, there is a growing body of research suggesting that there are four negative risk factors- four negative behavior patterns that create barriers in a marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure. In one key studiy, researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, starting before they were married, and were able to differentiate those couples who do well from those who do not, with up to 91% accuracy.* Crucial to the success of any marriage is for couples to eliminate or reduce the occurrence of these four risk factors. Previously we discussed Escalation* and Invalidation. Now, let's take a look at a third one - Negative Interpretations. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).
God did a wonderful thing when He created man and woman so differently. The differences between man as male and woman as female were intended to usher in many special blessings (Genesis 1:28). Unfortunately, because of the fall, the blessings of the sexes became the battle between the sexes. The unique qualities with which God endowed each, now give rise to misunderstanding and conflict rather than completion and harmony.
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